A Woman’s View: 5 Types of F*** Buddies

While Ted is smugly reviewing his list of five types of fuck buddies a man can have, let me take this opportunity to tell you how things really are, from a woman’s perspective.

I hate to be the one to break it to you guys, but you don’t call all the shots here. In fact, plenty of times *you’re* actually the one getting used for our pleasure and convenience. We’re wise to your game plans and have some of our own. Let me clue you in to the five types of fuck buddies women can have, then you’ll see we all play the same games and you’re not always winning.

The Internet/Long Distance Fuck Buddy

I think you’re hot because you have a sexy voice and make me feel good about myself – and also because I don’t really know you *that* well, which is very much to your advantage.

I don’t have to worry about you embarrassing me in front of my friends, doing your smelly laundry or be concerned about if you’ve had anything to eat. I like not having to deal with any of your negatives, and appreciate that you try to hide them from me.

All I really want from you is a self-esteem boost when I’m PMSing and for you to keep me company when I’m in-between real life fuck buddies. Oh, and you can listen to all my problems too. You’re a real pal. Kthxbai.

The Married One

You’re one step ahead of the Internet fuck buddy, but similar in many ways. I like you because I don’t have to put up with your shit – she gets to deal with all that.

You’re a decent fuck and can keep a secret so I can do especially nasty and perverted things when I’m with you. Seriously, who are you going to tell?

But after a while, you’ll start to treat me like a confidant or like I’m supposed to be exclusive to you and that’s where the problems will begin. Get this straight – I only see you because you’re married and therefore I don’t have to hear about your life. Don’t tell me about your problems, that’s not what I signed up for at all.

The Professional Courtesy

We see each other at the office and smirk at our dirty little secret. You’re hot because it’s wrong. This can go on for years but please realize that when it ends, you’re *not* free to start banging someone else at the office. To do so would open discussion between myself and other female co-workers about the size of your penis… and you don’t want that.

We’ll have hot times and we’ll enjoy the time we do get to hook up, but don’t expect it to last forever – especially when they just hired a hot young guy in the mailroom.

Big, Sweet and Dumb

You’re the one who actually *wants* to take me to dinner and have a conversation, but all I really want is your huge cock. I don’t want you to call me afterwards, but I know you will, many times.

After a few rides, I’ll have to break your heart, just when you’re on the verge of saying those three little words I *don’t* want to hear.

I tolerated your relatively low IQ because of the size of your package, but It’s time for a new toy. You shouldn’t have brought your heart to what was supposed to be a one nighter.

The Mutual

You and I hook up when we’re both single and we keep it casual. It’s really a good arrangement for us both and there are no strings attached… well, mostly none. I’ll hate your girlfriends. We’ll fight about it but still be BFFs. You’ll get pissy if I’m with other guys, but claim that it doesn’t bother you.

We probably should end up together and maybe we will someday, but I’m pretty sure there’s gonna be some unavoidable drama either way.